bad to worst

it's been a while since i posted. 2012 is not really a good year for me. Things that were not expected to happen , it actually happened right now. Things that I were used to be optimistic about, just turned upside down in a split seconds.

For just half a year, i lost my grandmother and grandfather. It was a hard strike that nearly pushed me down the ground. At the same time,  my family is facing a critical financial problem , which i do not even know if I can move on with my studies. Till this moment, for the first time i lost my direction in life. I'm helpless , miserable and I don't even know where to seek help from. Pressing calculator from time to time, realize that I am no where near to my destination. Only right now i realized how useless i am. I used to say out everything, express it out and forget about it. But this time is different, i dunno where to start from. I have zero solution for it. I've been crying for nights , I don't want to get home, I am too desperate for everything now.
I hate everything that happened, i hate to be part of this family. To carry the stress without knowing why. None of us know what happened except him. I hate to go home, to get the feeling that I'm the heaviest burden he is carrying. I know I am , and I'm sorry for that. All this while, I'm trying so hard to study and now only i realized all this hard work turned up to be your burden. I hate things to be uncertain, and now even my future is uncertain.

I was so used to the life to achieve things one by one, step by step. And now , there is no more step for me.
It's a dark path, a place where I cant approach at all. It is a hidden hole, telling you not to step anymore. Everything from now on is an unknown.  All i know is tears can't take it away, ignorant made it worst.

i'm so fucked up right now.