Thursday, August 9, 2012

i'm sorry

Things got worse from day to day, tears were down endlessly
It's hard for me to even take a breath now .
I'm sorry,
For the things i dunno yet related to me,
for the situation i cant help yet i add the burden on,
for my greediness,
for my wish
for my dream
for my future
that i always expected.
Now i know i was once lived in a Cinderella world,
worries-free, burden-free.
I called and asked for money,
I called and asked for holiday
I called and asked for dress..anything.
You tried to please me again and again,
I'm sorry...
for feeling bad in owning nothing now.
I'm sorry
for not knowing how to handle the stress and burden now.
I'm sorry
for not ready to take up the future burden.

But i know it's time to face the real world,
to take up my own world,
work hard on it and keep going on
It's seem easy when people telling you things can get better,
so i end my day by telling myself tomorrow will be okay,
as what friend say, as what i hope.

I'm trying to hold on
for that, i keep telling myself
"chris, take a deep breath ,you can do it, miracle will happen, you just gotta stand for another day, cause the day after is a brand new day."

the truth is,
i wake up into a nightmare.
hiding the scream and tears, wonder how much more i can take in.
THinking if this is the end for everything.

Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
- Better days by Goo Goo Dolls.

Monday, July 30, 2012

bad to worst

it's been a while since i posted. 2012 is not really a good year for me. Things that were not expected to happen , it actually happened right now. Things that I were used to be optimistic about, just turned upside down in a split seconds.

For just half a year, i lost my grandmother and grandfather. It was a hard strike that nearly pushed me down the ground. At the same time,  my family is facing a critical financial problem , which i do not even know if I can move on with my studies. Till this moment, for the first time i lost my direction in life. I'm helpless , miserable and I don't even know where to seek help from. Pressing calculator from time to time, realize that I am no where near to my destination. Only right now i realized how useless i am. I used to say out everything, express it out and forget about it. But this time is different, i dunno where to start from. I have zero solution for it. I've been crying for nights , I don't want to get home, I am too desperate for everything now.
I hate everything that happened, i hate to be part of this family. To carry the stress without knowing why. None of us know what happened except him. I hate to go home, to get the feeling that I'm the heaviest burden he is carrying. I know I am , and I'm sorry for that. All this while, I'm trying so hard to study and now only i realized all this hard work turned up to be your burden. I hate things to be uncertain, and now even my future is uncertain.

I was so used to the life to achieve things one by one, step by step. And now , there is no more step for me.
It's a dark path, a place where I cant approach at all. It is a hidden hole, telling you not to step anymore. Everything from now on is an unknown.  All i know is tears can't take it away, ignorant made it worst.

i'm so fucked up right now.